Best Friend Rights & Responsibilities

1. I can borrow all your clothes.

Anything in your closet, no matter how fancy is co-owned by me, your best friend. I can borrow it for as long as I want. One stipulation to my borrowing your clothes is that you have to have worn the item at least once before I borrow it. I’m not a monster.

2. We sleep in the same bed.

If we’re on a trip or if our boyfriends are away, and there’s a bed bigger than a twin, we’re partnering up. It is super weird for us not to share a bed. How else will we talk until we fall asleep?

3. I must be 100 percent honest about how you look, but gentle.

Your boyfriend is never going to tell you that your skirt is too tight and riding up too high on you. In fact, you shouldn’t even have asked him, poor guy. I am the only person besides your mom who has the right (and responsibility) to tell you that. I will employ the gentle, vague expression “I’m not crazy about that on you,” which should mean to you, “Holy shit, take that off, that looks terrible!” I owe it to you to give feedback like a cattle prod: painful but quick.

4. I can ditch you, within reason

I can ditch you to hang out with a guy but only if that possibility has been discussed and getting-a-ride-home practicalities have been worked out, prior to the event.

5. I will take care of your kid if you die.

I can’t even write about this, it’s too sad. But yes, I will do that.

6. I will nurse you back to health.

If you are crippled with pain because of a UTI, I need to haul ass to CVS to get you some medicine, fast. I should also try to pick up a fashion magazine and the candy you like, because distracting you from your pain is part of nursing you back to health.

7. We will trade off being social activities chair for our outings.

On trips together, I promise to man up and be the person who drives the rental car sometimes, or uses my credit card and has people pay me back later. Someone needs to check on Yelp to see what the good brunch place is. Neither of us gets to be the princess all the time. I get that.

8. I will keep your favorite feminine hygiene product at my house.

Even though no one uses maxipads anymore, like you do, weirdo, I will keep a box at my house for when you come over.

9. I will try to like your boyfriend five times.

This is a fair number of times to hang out with your boyfriend and withhold judgement.

10. If you’re depressed, I will be there for you.

As everyone knows, depressed people are some of the most boring people in the world. I know this because when I was depressed, people fled. Except my best friends. I will be there for you during your horrible break-up, or getting fired from your job, or if you’re just having a bad couple of months or year. I will hate it and find you really tedious, but I promise I won’t abandon you.

11. I will hate and re-like people for you.

But you can’t get mad if I can’t keep track. Robby? Don’t we hate him? No, we love him. Okay, okay. Sorry.

12. It is okay to take me for granted.

I know when you fall in love with someone that you will completely forget about me. That hurts my feelings, but is okay. Please try to remember to text me, if you can.

13. No two (or three or four) people are better than us.

We fucking rock. No one can beat us.